If you?re anything like the Heat Index, you probably caught at least one replay of ?A Christmas Story? during its continuous Christmas Day marathon broadcast.
OK, so the Heat probably wound up watching it at least five times on Sunday. What can I say? It was a lonely day at the Heat compound.
Anyway, remember when 9-year-old Ralphie Parker is all bummed out because after everybody in the family opened up their presents, he still hadn?t gotten his beloved Red Ryder BB Gun?
Then, long after all the unwrapping, his father pointed to a half-hidden present leaning up against a table. Alas, there was joy in Hohman, Indiana! Ralphie got his BB gun after all ? and then promptly nearly shot his eye out.
Well, it?s the day after Christmas and the Heat is in a giving mood. So we thought, why not spread a little holiday cheer and pass out some belated Christmas gifts to some of our favorite people in sports?
So grab some eggnog and gather ?round the tree, kiddies, and see what presents Santa Heat decided to dole out.
To Texans and former Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart: a pair of titanium collarbones. To Steelers linebacker James Harrison: a copy of ?Tackling for Dummies,? autographed by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.
To the Miami Heat?s LeBron James: a think-before-you-speak pill. Not one, not two, not three, not four, not five. ? ah, you get the idea. To Orlando?s Dwight Howard: the right trade. To the Lakers? Kobe Bryant: a discount from Zales the next time you?re thinking about buying an engagement ring.
To slugger Albert Pujols: good health for the next 10 years so you can live up to that ridiculous contract you signed with the Angels. To the Diamondbacks? Justin Upton: continued success with humility. To free-agent slugger Prince Fielder: a happy home, wherever it is.
To Pete Rose: reinstatement and ultimately, enshrinement into the National Baseball Hall of Fame. It?s time.
To Penguins star Sidney Crosby: a clear mind and a protective wingman like Wayne Gretzky had in Dave Semenko. To the Coyotes: a white knight to ride into town, slay the naysayers, buy the team and keep it in Glendale. To former Coyotes head coach and Jack Adams Award winner Bobby Francis: another shot behind the bench in the NHL.
To Colts quarterback Peyton Manning: a ?flash? from one of those thingamajiggers from the movie ?Men in Black? that erases your memory so you can forget about the 2011 season. To Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck, the likely No. 1 pick in next year?s NFL draft: patience, especially if you land in Indianapolis.
To Southern California quarterback Matt Barkley: a healthy senior year now that you?ve decided to stay in school. To Charles Barkley: a real golf swing and the conscience to remember you still owe me a hundred bucks. To Suns guard Steve Nash: an NBA championship before you retire.
To Danica Patrick: your first NASCAR victory, and how cool would it be if it?s at the Daytona 500? To nasty NASCAR driver Kyle Busch: A Valium every time you start to lose it. Ditto to Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh.
To Bill Cowher: A head coaching job in the NFL, back where you belong. To 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh: A more likable personality. To Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow: a fair shake next year in Denver, regardless of what happens the rest of this season.
To Cardinals quarterback Kevin Kolb: see Peyton Manning?s gift ? and use it twice, just in case. To Cardinals head coach Ken Whisenhunt: a third game ball should you actually finish 8-8 after that horrendous 1-6 start when everyone wanted to see you fired.
To Cowboys defensive coordinator Rob Ryan: an appointment with my longtime barber, Wayne, the Chargers? fan in Avondale. To all NFL referees: the willingness to pick up a flag and wave off so many unnecessary penalties called by you and your crews.
To Jets receiver Plaxico Burress: a Nerf gun. To Diamondbacks pitcher Ian Kennedy: a trademark on that whole ?Nerf beard? thing.
And finally, to all sports fans, one and all: A safe, prosperous and happy new year!
Reach the Heat Index at bob.mcmanaman@arizonarepublic.com.
Source: http://tucsoncitizen.com/arizona-news/2011/12/26/some-belated-christmas-gifts-for-the-sports-world/
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